Have the “Domestic Violence Talk” Sooner Rather Than Later

We often think the most difficult rite of parenting is having the “sex talk” with our children as they mature. Imagery of a parent sweating as he or she begins to tell their teenage son or daughter about the birds and the bees is a common reflection for many. After all, a child reaching that stage in life where relationships start to become complicated carries rewards as well as possible consequences is a mile stone, how they handle it can seem to reflect back on how well we as parents have prepared them.

As important as the “sex talk” may be, the “domestic violence talk” is even more critical. Boys and girls start to discover each other early and it’s not at all uncommon to hear from a sixth grader they are going out with someone, meaning they are considering themselves in a relationship. Who defines for them the roles in a relationship? Where do they learn how to express their feelings to the other person in that relationship?

Very often they model their behavior based upon personal observations and what they see and hear through the media. Unfortunately, all too often what they see and hear is behavior that may be questionable at best. Think about the publicity surrounding the assault on pop star Rihanna by her then boyfriend Chris Brown. She has seemingly forgiven him for punching her in the face and biting her, all so they can work together on a music release that appears to glorifying disrespecting women. One young woman even sent out her twitter message, “I don’t know why Rihanna complained. Chris Brown could beat me anytime he wanted to.”

Television shows like The Real Housewives series, and shows aimed at young people like The Jersey Shore, all seem to send the message that it is okay to be demeaning and abusive to others in a relationship, and that even violent behavior is acceptable.

Thankfully not everyone condones or accepts such misguided publicity. Actress Reese Witherspoon says she’s had the “domestic violence talk” with her two young children. She says, “Parents must educate themselves and their children about social media and what constitutes harassment, what is acceptable and what is not.”

As the Global Ambassador for the Avon Foundation for Women, Reese is clued to the issue of domestic violence and is adamant that we must spread the word that domestic violence is not acceptable and must not be condoned.

“We talk about what is abuse. I think it’s important to talk to our daughters – and our sons – in order to educate them at an early age about what’s appropriate and what is absolutely not acceptable,” she adds. The Academy Award winning actress explained that as a mother, it is her responsibility to educate her kids on difficult issues. “We talk about domestic violence and what it means… Although the concept is somewhat foreign to them, they’re starting to understand that this happens to families in our country and all throughout the world.”

 And so we ask you to follow the example of Reese Witherspoon, and encourage every parent to take the time to talk to their children about relationships they hear about through the media, good and bad alike. Help your children understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior and language. Give them a better understanding so when it’s their time to make decisions about entering a relationship, they’ll make a good, safe choice.

Her Own Words – A Child Talks About Her Experience

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Many memories have had a deep and significant effect on my life, but one stands out in particular as important for other people to know. While most of it I gathered from hearing my family tell it over and over again, it bestowed upon me a vital idea that I personally believe everybody should know.

My introduction to violence prevention occurred when I was only a young child, still in preschool. I was playing and having fun, minding my own business, when a boy, Jake, accidently knocked into me, causing me to tumble to the ground. The teacher, Miss Lola, made Jake apologize to me, as well as retrieve an ice pack and hug me. It turned out the boy enjoyed doing this, so every single day afterwards, he would hit me or knock me down, just so he could retrieve the ice pack and hug me. While there were no cruel intentions behind it, I still did not like being hit, so I asked Miss Lola why Jake kept hurting me. She told me it was because he loved me.

Shortly afterwards, my mother found herself putting a snowsuit on me, preparing me to

Do we REALLY want our children to believe this is how they should see their relationship roles?

face the cold outdoors. I didn’t particularly like it, so I whacked her with my fist. She then paused and explained to me that in this household we don’t hit. She told me that no one ever hits me, and therefore I shouldn’t hit her, or anyone else. I then confessed that someone did hit me. She promptly freaked out, afraid that I was being abused by some grown adult. She asked me who it was, and I told her that Jake had hit me. She was relieved, but still upset. She asked me why Jake hit me, and I gave her the same explanation that Miss Lola gave me: Jake loved me.

Overall, this memory from my early childhood gave me a very significant understanding of the world, about love, hurt, and the messages that are sent to young children about these topics. I think it is important for this memory to be shared because all people should understand the distinguishing factors between love and abuse. Everybody should have love, but no one should be hurt by it.

Jess R. 

Age 14

Grade 8

 

Some Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

• Tells you he/she cannot live without you
• Threatens to hurt him/herself or others if you break up
• Has severe mood swings or frequent bad moods
• Wants the relationship to get too serious too quickly
• Believes in rigid gender roles
• Dislikes your parents and friends
• Disrespects his/her mother or generally treats his/her parents badly
• Brags about mistreating other people
• Has trouble controlling his/her temper
• Uses drugs and alcohol (not just experimentation)
• Blames others for his/her problems or feelings